To Cry and To Remember
by CozyMittens
Summary: Sometimes naming a baby can be difficult. The best of intentions can lead to sadness for other family members. Michael and Kate try to find a name for their daughter.


Michael seemed uncomfortable. "The thing is," he said looking at George, "if the baby's a boy we want to name him John. I know it's traditional to name the first son after his grandfather, and I…"

"You don't want to hurt my feelings," finished George for him. "Michael, I understand perfectly why Kate wants to name the baby John." George thought back to the young man he remembered so fondly. John Greenhough, Kate's brother, had been five years older than his sister. He had died the last year of the war. George had always rather hoped that John would marry Jane (when she grew up of course). George was six years older than Winifred and thought a man should be established before he thought about getting married. Michael was taxing his expectations in ways he hadn't anticipated with being married at 21 and now a father at 23.

"It's all right," he said looking at Michael. "You're the father. You and Kate are the ones making the decisions."

Michael swallowed and fidgeted in the chair. "I'm going to be a father that sounds so….Getting married was one thing but being a father…"

"You'll do just fine," said George. He hoped he sounded confident. Michael was so young and working so hard to get established. Work could be distracting and you didn't get a second chance to watch a child grow up. He smiled at his son, "Just don't forget to fly a kite once in a while."

Michael relaxed and smiled back, but then he cleared his throat. "There's just one other thing I need to ask you. When Kate said she wanted to name the baby after her brother, I thought, well I thought, and Kate thought it was a good idea too. If it's a girl we'd like to name her Annabel."

George felt as if all the breath had left his body. He was glad he was sitting down. Annabel, that was totally unexpected. So many feelings, George struggled to control his voice. "Michael, don't make any plans yet. I need to talk to your mother."

* * *

"Annabel? But Michael never knew Annabel." Winifred began to cry. " She..she was…she was gone before he was even born." George sat next to his stricken wife and felt helpless and angry. Just the way he had felt so many years ago. Diphtheria the doctor said and forbade George and Winifred from entering the nursery. It was highly contagious and Winifred was pregnant with Jane. If George stepped into the nursery there was a good chance he could carry the germs to her and give her the illness too. Only the nurse and his mother had been allowed to tend Annabel.

Annabel had cried and wanted her mother and Winifred had been heartbroken because she was unable to go to her. But the silence as Annabel grew sicker had been even worse. George remembered the rising anger he had felt at his own helplessness. He couldn't do anything. He was supposed to take care of his family! He was supposed to keep them safe!

He had dropped a tea cup and saucer on the morning of Annabel's passing. When it shattered on the floor he found a box and gathered every piece of china in the buffet. He carried it out to the back of the house and systematically broke every piece by smashing it against a rock. Later he replaced the china. Winifred never spoke of the china.

Had the pain of losing Annabel caused him to bury himself in his work for so many years? Was that why he had maintained a wall of reserve between himself and Jane and Michael until it was almost too late to enjoy their childhood? George said one more prayer of gratitude to whoever was in charge of troublesome nannies and chimney sweeps.

Winifred was still crying. "George I don't think I can bear it if they name…" George put his arms around her. "It's all right. He doesn't understand. I'll talk to Michael." It was strange to be explaining Michael to Winifred. Usually she was the one explaining Michael to him. Michael meant well. Naming the baby Annabel would be a way of honoring a family member. A sister, who, like Kate's brother, hadn't had the chance to grow older and do all the things that Michael was enjoying. On the surface it didn't seem so different then naming the baby John, but underneath it didn't feel the same at all.

* * *

"We'll have to think of a different name for a girl," said Michael. He was in bed watching Kate brush her hair at the vanity. "If you had seen Father's face when I told him, he looked as if I had struck him. I didn't realize how painful it must still be for them."

Kate turned to look at Michael. "Mother cried when I told her we wanted to name the baby John if it was a boy," she said. "But then she said it was all right. It was good to cry and to remember. If you hid from the sadness you couldn't remember the joy either. Let's just give them some time and see how they feel. Maybe they just need to get used to the idea. And if they don't want us to use the name, we'll name the baby Jane. That was our other choice. Besides there's a good chance we won't need a girl's name anyway."

Michael smiled, "You're always so practical. What would I ever do without you?"

* * *

In the end it was Winifred who talked to Kate. It was difficult for her to put her feelings and memories into words.

"You see," she said, "When Jane was born she looked so much like Annabel. Everybody said it was such a blessing, what a beautiful little girl and so much like her sister. As if now that I had Jane everything was all right. Every time I looked at Jane I could see Annabel but Jane wasn't Annabel. I knew the difference, but I missed Annabel so much. And I couldn't let her go because there was Jane reminding me of her everyday. Jane and Annabel looked so much alike and were so muddled up in my brain I couldn't think about one without thinking of the other. When I found out Michael was coming I prayed and prayed he'd be a little boy with dark hair and eyes like his father and that he wouldn't look anything like his sisters."

"George's mother was wonderful. One day she came to the house and I had dressed Jane in one of Annabel's dresses. She looked at her and said "Annabel always looked so pretty in pink, but I think Jane looks so much nicer in blue." And she packed up all of Annabel's clothes and took me to town and bought new ones for Jane. She would say things like "Jane's hair is such a pretty strawberry blonde color, do you remember that Annabel's hair was a little lighter?" or "Jane is so much taller at this age than Annabel was." She made me see that Jane and Annabel were two different people. Little by little I was able to look at Jane and just see Jane. And finally I could cry for Annabel and say goodbye."

Kate's eyes were filled with tears as she looked at her mother-in-law. Behind Winifred's shoulder she could see the oval portrait of the little girl that hung on the wall in George and Winifred's room. To Kate's eyes she didn't resemble Jane's baby pictures any more than Michael's did. Maybe if Annabel had lived long enough for Winifred to see them together the resemblance wouldn't have seemed so close. "I'm sorry," she said. "Michael and I didn't realize how painful it must have been to lose her and how much it still hurt."

"It does hurt, but not as much as it did when I kept getting Jane and Annabel mixed in my mind. It was so unfair to Jane. I almost missed out on knowing her because I kept grieving for her sister when I looked at her. Part of me would like you to name the baby Annabel. Then I could talk about her and remember the things she used to do and how happy George and I were when she was with us. But what if she's blonde and blue eyed like Jane and with Annabel's name too. What if every time I see my grand daughter I feel the grief of losing Annabel all over again? I don't know if I can bear that Kate, I'm sorry."

* * *

Three months later George and Jane were anxiously waiting in the library. In the bedroom upstairs, Winifred and Kate's mother had their hands full helping the doctor. Kate's contractions had started shortly after midnight and Michael had stayed by her side throughout the morning and early afternoon. The doctor was very pleased with her progress saying that things were moving along nicely, especially for a first delivery. Michael didn't think that could be right. His fingers still hurt from Kate's grip on his hand during her last contraction. But now his mother in law was shooing him out of the bedroom to wait downstairs with Jane and his father. "Go on dear. We're going to take good care of her." "That's right," said the doctor. "This next part is hard and don't panic if you hear her cry out. Just stay downstairs and let me take care of things."

Michael entered the library. "The doctor says not much longer now." He sat in the chair and put his head in his hands. He looked up at his father, "How does anyone ever get through this?" George sympathized, he really did. He looked at Michael and smiled. "You may not believe this but this is the easiest part of being a parent. Tomorrow things will get really interesting."

Kate did cry out, several times and George thought he might have to physically restrain Michael from running up the stairs. But after what seemed an eternity and was actually about 20 minutes the people downstairs heard a baby crying. Soon Winifred came down the stairs carrying a small bundle. She was smiling and crying. She kissed Michael on the cheek and handed him the new baby. "You have a son." she said. She stepped back and let Michael hold John. "I think he looks like his father," she said. George agreed. The baby was fair haired and had the soft round cheeks that all of his children had been born with. "He looks just like a Banks," he said proudly.

Just then Mrs. Greenhough appeared at the top of the stairs. "Winifred, could you come up here right away?" With a questioning look Winifred joined her at the top of the stairs where the two women held a whispered conversation. Then Winifred went into the bedroom and Michael's mother in law came downstairs and into the library. "Michael," she said, "There's another baby. It's twins. It took us by surprise and this one is coming breech."

"What does that mean? Is Kate going to be all right?"

Mrs. Greenhough answered as best she could. "It's going to be difficult for Kate, the baby's coming the wrong way and it could be very painful. But the doctor thinks she'll be all right. It's the baby. The doctor didn't know there were two babies, and there could be all sorts of complications with the baby in the wrong position. We just have to wait and see." Kate's mother turned and hurried back up the stairs.

This time the waiting was unbearable. Michael tried to concentrate on the baby in his arms but his mind was upstairs with Kate. Thirty minutes came and went and then they all heard a baby crying. And what a cry it was. It was louder than John's and it sounded angry. Mrs. Greenhough appeared at the top of the stars laughing and crying at the same time. "Michael it's a girl, she's going to be all right. Kate is fine. We'll bring the baby down in a minute."

Ten minutes later Winifred came down the stairs with another bundle. But this one wasn't quiet like John had been. Michael looked in astonishment at the baby in his arms. She was smaller than John and didn't have his soft baby cheeks. Her scrunched up little face was red from crying and her head was covered with a shock of dark hair. Her little hands were curled up in fists and she was waving the one arm that had worked free of the blanket. She finally stopped crying, but Michael was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of sound she could produce. How could such a tiny person be so loud?

Like Mrs. Greenhough, Winifred was laughing and crying. The baby had been in a very dangerous position and the doctor wasn't sure he would be able to deliver her safely. But she had started crying the minute she was born. It had been a very tense and trying time upstairs and now the two grandmothers were giddy with relief.

"She doesn't look very much like Michael," said George. "Do you think she looks like Kate?"

"No," said Winifred. "I think she looks like her very own self."

* * *

Several days passed and the household began to settle into a routine, or as much of a routine as a household with two new babies can have. There was just one problem. Michael and Kate could not decide on a name for their daughter. They had planned to name her Jane after her aunt, but now that the baby was here it didn't seem to suit her. They were discussing various names in their room. Kate was resting on the bed while Michael sat in one of the chairs holding John. Winifred was in the rocking chair, singing softly to her new grand daughter. "Why don't we name her Winifred after you mother?" asked Michael. "Would you like that?"

"I don't know," she replied. "I rather like the first two names you picked. Why don't you name her Annabel Jane Banks after both of your sisters?"

"Are you sure?" asked Kate.

"Yes," said Winifred. "I'm sure. This little one is so different. I find that I can think about my Annabel and your Annabel and they don't get mixed up. They're two different people who happen to share the same name. I'll always love my Annabel, but I can love this Annabel too, just for herself. Winifred looked over at Kate and smiled. "Your mother and I had a chance to talk afterwards. She was right Kate, it's good to cry and to remember."


End file.
